Gaming’s fittest fatties and their impossible bypass-bating moves
Videogames characters are increasingly becoming the poster children for gym membership. With most of gaming’s heroes and heroines being chiseled, pert and with cheek bones you could grate cheese on, there’s seems to be less and less room for the more gelatinous gentleman in the industry.
That’s why we thought we’d celebrate those characters who said no to Atkins and still managed to pull off moves that would shame most gold-winning gymnasts. But while they might seem fighting fit on your console, we’ll look at the grim reality these gaming goliaths’ would face as a result of their big bones.
1. Fat Carl Johnson, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
The game - Pile on the pounds with the Los Santos layabout by stuffing too many Clucking Bells down your colon and CJ might struggle learning some of the game’s fighting styles and won’t be able to swim or run for as long. But that’s really the only drawback to letting the Grove Street gangster pile on the pounds. Fat CJ is still a crack marksman, a master of stealth, an accomplished cyclist and can even bust a mean move on the dance floor.
The star of San Andreas proudly
packing some excess junk in his drunk
The reality – In real life fat CJ would spend most of his time eating Burger Shots while sprawled out on his couch listening to Radio Los Santos. Forget those Agent 47-esque shooting skills. His chubby fingers would get stuck in most of the weapons’ triggers. A stealthy burglar? Don’t think so. His thundering 20 stone footsteps would shake the very foundations of any house he tried to rob. He’d break any bicycle he sat on. And, with his advanced weight, the only thing this fatty would bust on the dance floor would be his hip.
The only thing the Grove Street Goliath is gonna
be 'hip' to is some expensive medial bills. Ouch
2. Barry Burton – Resident Evil
The game – In the original Resident Evil the don of dire dialogue - which infamously includes calling Jill the ‘master of unlocking’ - regularly comes to his fellow S.T.A.R.S. member’s aide. Whether it’s saving her from becoming a ‘Jill Sandwich’ from a falling ceiling or helping against the Tyrant, this tubbo laughs in the face of undeath.
Barry Burton is the gaming equivalent of George Lucas. Fat, beardy
and with enough stilted dialog to curl even hardened fanboy's toes
The reality – Somehow we can’t see burly Barry surviving in a mansion full of super-fit feral dogs, hunters and giant snakes. The only way he’d survive would be locking himself in the kitchen until Jill and Chris had wiped out the zombie menace. Although, threat of the undead or not, we’d imagine him doing that anyway.
A Fridge too far: Nothing like a feast to make you
forget about that 40 foot feral snake in the attic
3. Kirby – Kirby series, Super Smash Bros.
The game – Ever since Kirby’s Dream Land in 1992 the bloated blob has been running, jumping and floating around planet Pop Star like a champion Olympian. Ninty’s star has never let his rotund frame get in the way of his success, with Kirby bagging himself his own anime and comic series off the back of his game adventures.
Kirby may have been developed in the home of the bullet train,
but who needs 200mph public transport when you've got
more aerial prowess than Concord. Well... before the accidents.
The reality – Have you seen the size of this portly pink bastard recently? A native of planet Pop Star? More like planet Pop Tart. Kirby should barely be able to move let alone save an entire civilization with his acrobatic abilities. The sizeable sphere’s signature move from Kirby’s Adventure onwards is his ability to devour enemies and then spit them out, usurping their powers in the process. Though, judging by his latest trip to the scales, we’d wager most of those baddies are still stuffed in his stomach.
The agonizing wait for his first proper Wii adventure
has left the Kirbster with a severe pastry problem
4. Fatman, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
The game – Sons of Liberty’s self-proclaimed ‘emperor of explosives’ is not only a mastermind when it comes to building and blowing up bombs, he’s also an uncannily nimble rollerblader. Planting C4 all over the roof of the Big Shell - which have to be disarmed under a strict time limit - it’s no wonder Raiden had trouble besting this behemoth of a man. It also doesn’t help that during the entirety of the battle he gracefully pirouettes past your bullets like he was performing for Dancing on Ice.
Patriot stooge he may be, but this fatty can still reach some mean speeds thanks to his rollerblades. A classic bit of Koj madness
The reality – In the game he comes across as a wine connoisseur. No house red is that fattening, though, and we suspect he's been guzzling one too many choccie shakes during his time off from terrorism. We'd also be surprised if his skates lasted more than a few minutes under his bulky build. But, even if they didn’t buckle, he’d still be out of puff after laying his first bomb, leaving Raiden to fire a few bullets into his fat face for a quick kill.
Nothing like a few hundred, health-sapping
calories to prepare you for a life or death battle
5. The Big Show – WWE Smackdown series prior to 2003
The game – Prior to 2003’s Here Comes the Pain, the former WCW and WWE champion was as spry a seven footer as you’re ever likely to see. As quick across the mat as Rey Mysterio and as technical as Kurt Angle, there was nothing the big man couldn’t do. Hell, he could even perform gravity-defying top rope moves like the Hurricarana and the Shooting Star Press if you assigned them to him.
The Showster: A shining example of
how to maximize your man boobs
The reality – If the Big Show actually performed a move from the top rope the resulting earthquake would reform the Earth’s tectonic plates. Thankfully, Yukes have seen sense in their more recent games, giving super heavyweights like the Showster their own unique move sets. Minus the top rope shenanigans, of course. The stamina system of the last few games has also seen the Big Show transform into the Big Slow, with the giant having to pause for breath after anything more taxing than toddling over the tope rope.
Yep, this is how the continents were really
formed. Who says we're not educational?
6. E. Honda, Street Fighter series
The games – The man known as Edmond to his friends, this sizeable sumo is one of Street Fighter’s deadliest combatants. Fast, agile and with a thong that could shelter your entire house when it rains, E. Honda’s signature Hundred Hand Slap has become one of the most feared and iconic moves in beat-‘em-ups.
He's fast, fearless and can dole out more slaps in a second than a month's worth of Emmerdale omnibuses: weight has never got in this supreme sumo's way
The reality – Too much sushi means the only thing a man of Honda’s size could hit is the speed dial for his local take away. And, against a lineup featuring fitness freaks like Ryu, Vega and Chun-Li’s thighs of granite, the big man would have a heart attack half way through the first round.
Edmond clearly wasn't pleased with
the restaurant's 15% service charge
7. Ronaldo, every footie game from the mid 90s onwards
The games – The World Cup’s leading ever scorer, this samba striker has been running riot in PES and FIFA for over a decade. Suspiciously slim, quick like a greased Scotsman and injury free, the digital Ronnie can bang in belters like it was 2002 all over again.
Ronaldo: Striking a blow for every fat
kid who was picked last for footie
The reality – Lard-assed, lumbering and crippled after a devastating knee knack, the real Milan marksman is more likely to dip into a bag of onion rings than burst the onion bag with a shot. Well, at least he has his looks to fall back on. Oh wait…
Ronnie doing an elephant man after
'literally' stuffing his face with onion rings
Have we missed your favourite fighting fit fatty? Let us know in our comments section.
