Embarrassment and videogames have always gone side by side. Hardcore gamers wearing Commodore 64 clothing. Meandering outside your local game shop for a midnight launch to a chorus of inventive insults from folk falling out of pubs. Your other half catching you pulling a sickie trying to sign that elusive Chilean wonder kid in Football Manager; we’ve all been embarrassed in front of our family and friends over our gaming habits at some point.
But there’s ‘do you think anyone smelt me dropping that beef biscuit?’ embarrassment. And then there’s ‘accidentally relieving your bowels in public after one too many pints and a chicken vindaloo’ embarrassment. Guess which category someone walking in on you enjoying the following gaming shames falls into?
7. Crying after crippling a Colossus, Shadow of the Colossus
Sure, she might say she wants you to show a sensitive side. But just trying explaining to your girlfriend why you’re blubbing like a baby over killing something that looks like the product of a steamy one-nighter between a koala and King Kong. Better get the hankies and the excuses at the ready, though. Because killing one of Colossus’ gentle giants in this enchanting adventure is like watching Bambi while parading your privates through a mincer.
inner man-babus blubbing more
than offing a colossus and it's this...
Possible excuse: Tears? No. Don’t be stupid. It’s just Hay fever. It’s Winter, you say? Look the narrative is really affecting. It’s actually a moving love story. He’s braining these docile beasts for love, see. It’s just like Sleepless in
There’s nothing like a family member walking in on you while you’re ogling a tele full of digital arse flesh. But follow Metal Gear’s First Lady into the little girl’s room quickly enough in Snake’s first 3D adventure and you’ll literally catch this heroine with her trousers down. Not a great time for mum to barge in for a dirty sock-search.
We failed three different times before
we managed to get into the ladies’ room
fast enough to trigger this. We’re so lonely…
Possible excuse: What? That’s not the standard issue uniform for armed forces? But who really needs trousers in, erm…
5. A very literal toilet break, Condemned Two: Bloodshot
Who doesn’t love their dear old Gran coming over for Sunday roast? Stories about the war, enough Worthers’ Originals to give you diabetes and the dear old mare hijacking the TV to watch a spot of Songs of Praise. It’s just a pity she’ll have to endure you using one of Condemned Two’s grizzly environmental kills before she can change the channel.
Sega’s depraved first person brawler/shooter is like an interactive version of David Fincher’s Se7en. But as much as we love games inspired by Kevin Spacey serial killer flicks – especially those that let you pop open a junkie’s head with a toilet seat - we suspect Nan might prefer her hymns.
Bloodshot’s environmental kills aren’t for the
squeamish. And you don’t need to be an alchy
forensic investigator to tell this has gotta hurt
4. Undead bonking, Fahrenheit
There’s no doubt that Fahrenheit was an innovative game when it was released in 2005. Combining a compelling, believable narrative with some gripping QTE-style cut scenes, it really did feel like an interactive movie. Still, for all of its character nuisance and depth it wasn’t above a bit of sexy sex. And the bit where the two main protagonists start to go at it like a couple of drunk, horny teens on prom night is fairly explicit for a videogame.
What makes it really disturbing, though, is one of the characters, Lucas, is clearly a living corpse by the time they start bumping uglies on the back of a freezing cargo train. Although it’s nothing you won’t have seen on Bravo past ten at night, you still wouldn’t want to share it with your nearest and dearest.
video contains mild, midnight Bravo-style nudity
Possible excuse: No, it’s not a needless flashing of flesh. The world is about to end, so zombie sex is clearly integral to the plot. They need to respawn the Earth with little undead nippers after all.
3. HD lap dance, GTA IV
Going to a gentleman’s establishment for a private showing in past GTAs was certainly not something you wanted someone walking in on. But, played on a small enough tele, the blurry, low-def graphics might just have seen you get away with it. Unfortunately, the HD era, with its reasonably-priced leviathan LCD screens and crystal clear next-gen graphics, means there’s no hiding those high-def, thong-clad cheeks.
The backroom in IV’s Pink Triangle Club even has different levels of service, which include girl-on-girl grotty goings on if Niko’s feeling flush. We’d suggest staying away from the place all together to save any potential embarrassment. How about a nice game of darts instead?
Club's backroom is fine and all. But, for these kinds
of prices, would it kill someone to bring us a Sprunk?
Possible excuse: This is really not what it looks like. I’m actually chasing up a lead. I’m trying to find that special someone. In a, erm…strip club…with a lap dance…in a private room in the back. Look, it’s a legit investigation, ok?
2. The sperm conversations, Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Where to start with Larry? There’s an absolute rafter of raunchy escapades you’d never live down if you were caught controlling gaming’s most pronounced perv. Be it panty raids, playing Quarters – where you have to get impressionable girls drunk - or enough sleaze to make even Ron Jeremy blush.
Steering sperm through ‘hot spots’ while trying to chat girls up has to take the carnal cake, though. And you’d be hard pressed to argue the cultural and artistic merit of games if anyone caught you controlling Larry’s best swimmers.
numerous times in this charming conversation.
Must…highlight…penis…innuendo
Possible Excuse: Eh, it’s a clever and ironic take on the post-modern dating scene? Nah, you’re right. I’m just a lonely person.
1. The whole thing, World of Warcraft
It may be the most popular MMORPG on the planet, holding the Guinness World Record for the most monthly subscribers of any game, but you still don’t want anyone to know you play it. It might be a life-swallowing doze of RPG nirvana. But being caught trying to level up your Draenei at three in the morning is never going to be a proud moment, is it?
Arguably the greatest MMORPG ever made.
Still, does it have to be quite so beardy?
Possible Excuse: Look this is just as normal as going for a few pints or a kick about. I mean, 16 million people can’t be wrong, can they? Can they?!
Now that we've aired some gaming shames, what about the rest of you? Why not share your personal moments of toe-curling gaming embarrassment below?
No comments:
Post a Comment