The Top 7… biggest wastes of a superhero’s powers

The super folk forced from the mighty to the mundane

Games have always been the perfect medium for escapism. Whether you’re taking on a walking nuclear tank with a stealthy pensioner, triple jumping through a distant galaxy with a portly plumber or blowing up a planet-sized ring with a stoic supersoldier; videogames have always been a vehicle for the fantastic.

You’d think then that games based around superheroes would be the ultimate expression of these impossible feats and incredible powers. Nope. Unfortunately, most superhero tie-ins we can think of have had more tedious tasks than chances to protect the planet. And the following games all have moments where their hero’s powers are woefully wasted.

1. Spidey saves balloons in peril and becomes MJ’s chauffeur, Spiderman 2 and 3

Who wants to swing around the Empire State Building or stop bank heists with the webbed wonder when his games give you the choice of saving children’s balloons from precarious skyscraper ledges? Not exciting enough for you? Don’t worry. Spidey 3 frequently forces you to swing Mary Jane home in timed races. Next time, get the Tube like every other New Yorker you lazy bint. We’ve got bags of air to save.

Doc Ock brutally murdered a bus of school
children while the webbed wonder saved these balloons

2. Human Torch takes a lift, The Fantastic Four

The power of flight. Something man has dreamed of mastering ever since the dawn of time. Being able to glide gracefully through the air is clearly a big burden for the Human Torch, though. He’d rather to take a cargo elevator – which drops all of twenty feet – in the first level instead of doing his best Supes’ impression. Icarus would be crushed.

Flame off! Anyone else going to the seventh floor?

3. Wolvy uses a keycard, Wolverine’s Revenge

Adamantium is quite the metal. Once cooled it’s indestructible, and, with it coating Wolverine’s entire skeleton, you’d think nothing would get in his way. Wrong. Wolvy’s retractable Admantium claws are apparently no match for a locked door. And even though they should be able to cut through titanium like a katana through Clover, Logan is still forced to find and collect keycards to progress through the game.

Adamantium: No match for a barely boarded-up door

4. Iron Man does some wiring, Iron Man

Why would Sega go to the trouble of giving you control of a hero with a flying, billion dollar, missile-launching suit and then force you to do the job of a glorified electrician? Among the countless menial objectives Tony Stark has to blow up, nothing gets the blood pumping like taking out some power couplings. Next time your city’s about to be wiped out by Blizzard don’t bother calling the metal man; just pick up the Yellow Pages instead.

Iron Man Electrics: He's in the book

5. Bruce Banner gets his sneak on, The Incredible Hulk

Unlike the excellent Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction, the game of Ang Lee’s 2003 flop diluted the ‘Hulk smash!’ formula by including needless Bruce Banner stealth sections. Not only were the sub-Metal Gear mechanics a real chore, you’d be forced to replay these levels if you Hulked up. And really, who wants to be sneaking around in the shadows with a scientist when you could be punching tanks into the sun with everyone’s favourite mean, green fighting machine?

Solid Hulk isn't exactly a lean, green, sneaking machine

6. Catwoman on the ledge of sanity, Catwoman

What a stellar choice EA made here. Give you control of a ass-kicking heroine who can rip baddies’ throats out, makes Indy look like (even more of) a pensioner with a whip and has better reflexes than ten caffeine-fuelled Russian gymnasts. And then force said heroine to veeeery sloooowly make her way through pitch-black platform levels made up of obscure ledges. Granted, Berry’s portrayal of the Bat’s bit on the side may be laughable, but the character herself deserves more than this shambles.

Oh c'mon. We just want to whip some baddies in the plums.

7. The man of steel does a NiGHTS, Superman –

Superman on the N64 is the videogame equivalent of a big steamy pile of Kryptonite. Slow, foggy and with some of the most broken controls we’ve ever seen, it’s a massive slap in the face to Supes. Nothing, though, is worse than seeing the ultimate superhero reduced to having to fly through a series of rings like a common NiGHT – minus that game’s wonderful charm and character. The only thing we want to fly through is time (ala the film). And until we get a game that lets us fly around the globe backwards so we can go back to win the lotto, Clark’s videogame powers will never reach their potential.

Supes gets in touch with his feminine side. What a
new-aged man Lois has turned him into

Can you think of any other mundane tasks you've been forced to muddle through as a superhero we've not mentioned? Let us know in our comments section below.